‘Do your own thing.’
May 20th, 2010
Seniors say the damnedest things. I was reminded that during an AARP event I covered today, at which New Jersey’s governor attempted to woo seniors citizens who are concerned over his proposed plan to cut their state benefits.
“Can I tell you something personal,” asked a modestly dressed 80-year-old black woman clutching a cup of coffee and croissant she generously buttered as I grilled her about the governor’s speech.
“Sure,” I said, expecting the woman to reveal heartbreaking details about senior life on a fixed income.
“You are dressed very well and you speak very intelligently,” she said, and then paused.
Oh Lord, I thought. Is she hitting on me? No, couldn’t be.
“You should lose the hardware,” she said after what seemed like several seconds of dead air.
Lose the hardware? I looked down at my hands. I was holding a yellow notepad, a pen, my job-issued Motorola Que and my iPhone. My press pass dangled from my neck. It has metal component. Hardware?
The octogenarian pointed to my left ear.
I don’t have a Bluetooth headset. Had one magically appeared on my head? Or worst, did I have wax in my ears?
“Your earring. You shouldn’t wear it. It’s inappropriate,” she said.
I tensed up. Although no one was standing within earshot of she or I, my first emotion was that of embarrassment.
“People like us,” she began, tapping her cheek to indicate she was talking about African Americans. I nodded to signal I knew what she meant. “We shouldn’t give the larger community ways to weed us out. You stand out with the earring. It’s a distraction. And people make assumptions about young men with earrings.”
She lifted her eyebrows to imply something she was trying not to say.
Wow, I thought. This is the first time in many years I’d heard someone bring up the issue of men piercing their ears and wearing studs.
I pierced my left ear in my junior year of high school, right after I’d returned home from my first ever trip to New York City. That year I’d made up my mind to move to the East Coast upon completing college. And move, I did. The earring, back then, represented a sense of independence and of ambition that I’d somehow discovered in the Big Apple. Cheesy? Maybe not. I made it to New York.
These days I barely remember that I have my ear pierced. I rarely take the stud out, except to clean it. I’ll admit I walked away from the awkward conversation feeling a bit insecure.
She told me she’d raised four boys of her own. Two of them were college professors. The other two were engineers. I assumed she was implying that they are “where they are” in part because they don’t wear earrings, a fashion long considered feminine (even homosexual) by black (religious?) women (and men) of her dying generation.
Do people of her generation really see me that way? And at first glance?
Before I walked away, I decided not to assume the woman was homophobic, or that she was assuming I’m signaling to others my true sexual identity by wearing a quarter karat diamond stud, or that my decision to wear it would place a glass ceiling over my career trajectory.
That would just be stupid. And she seemed like a reasonably intelligent, albeit old-fashioned, woman.
Her parting words: “It’s just something to think about. You don’t have to take my advice. As they say, do your own thing.” She winked.
I smiled generously, turned on my heels and headed for the sliding doors of the Marriot in downtown Trenton.
No moral to the story. Just thought I’d share the joys of being a journalist. Thanks for reading. Comments?
May 20th, 2010 at 1:48 pm
You summed up the moral to this story in the first sentence. Miss you bud.
May 20th, 2010 at 2:10 pm
You should have said, “Well maybe I want people to make assumptions about me,” winked, then dropped your notepad and spread your arms out and walked away like Sexual Chocolate in Coming To America.
May 20th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
I think this episode is an example of a strong current of conservatism within certain people within older generations of African Americans, a conservatism based upon…well the need to present oneself as being as physically and cognitively parallel to the status quo as humanly possible for…well survival. In order to excel in a society predicated on slavery, rampant exploitation of human and non-human resources, and white supremacy, some Black folks likely felt that it is not wise to give people (mainly white, wealthy, protestant men) within the upper echelons of society a reason to further discriminate against a person of color trying to get access to employment, housing, education, etc. This sentiment is understandable, yet unfortunate due to a stifling of creativity and self expression that is likely innate in all people and the further perpetuation of the erroneous opinion that a person who deviates from socially acceptable ways of self presentation are somehow less capable than their ‘clean cut’ counterparts. As you know, I am Black and covered with tattoos, but I work for a quasi-conservative newspaper, that is one of the largest newspapers in the country. Did I have my tattoos visible during my interview for my current position? No. Do I cover up my tattoos each time I am on assignment? No. The quality of my work should be the means of measuring my professionalism, not the color of my skin (which is brown, black, green, and red). And if someone wants to discriminate against me because of the color of my skin, fuck them. I would rather starve than work for an overt bigot. Instead of putting so much energy into trying to placate the status quo, why not create employment opportunities for eccentric people of color, where we can be brown, professional, and have tattoos, earrings, nose-rings, purple hair, gay, or whatever? That’s my 2 cents.
May 20th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
LMAO @ Darren! Though I too get embarrassed at some of the suggestions and observations elders make, I often find them entertaining. It’s funny the things they notice and we barely pay any mind to.
May 20th, 2010 at 3:30 pm
That is interesting. I took out my earring a long time ago because I was worried about moments like these. (I still have a hole in my ear, but no earrings to show for it.) Funny to think that she would say that, even when you have obviously done well for yourself. It’s as if she couldn’t come around to the fact that you’re not a hoodlum, and determined you still needed advice to do better. I bet it felt like some kind of awkward motherly advice. But even then, I guess you can take it like it’s a generational difference. That’s easy. But I happen to think that in the private thoughts of managers, and those in positions of power, there’s a lot of discrimination that goes on. In some cases, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Losing the earring was a small price to pay.
May 20th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
First off: LMAO @ Darren! I’d need someone to catch my Randy Watson impression on tape.
Zuri, while I agree with you about the small price one would pay so that some bigot not rule them out of a job, I don’t want to devalue the sense of individuality my parents nurtured in me during adolescence.
My mother drove me to get the piercing and was almost beside herself to do it. I felt good seeing her excited to witness an evolution in my self-identity. And soon after I got the piercing, my step-dad got his ear pierced too. (A career military marine turned conservative Democrat, PhD holder and business owner.) And then he went out and bought a pair of diamond studs. I wear one and he wore the other.
Points well made, James. And Kat, I don’t think I’ll ever not initially take to heart something an elder black woman says to me. It’s just a knee-jerk reaction. Gotta love them anyway. Or not. LOL! And Eric, miss you too pal.
“It feels so lovely to be here tonight. What a lovely audience. Give yourselves a round of applause. Everyone’s so lovely. And while you’re in the clapping mood, I’d like to give a round of applause to my band Sexual Chocolate.”